UNDERSTANDING MALE HOMOSEXUALITY
(The Catechism in Reparative Therapy)
Rolando C. delos Reyes II
"Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered." They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved. (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2357)
Gay persons, despite all ostracisms, discriminations and prejudices, abound in every society, even in those that despise them and regard them as despicable, dirty, sinful and sick. Even in our community, we encounter people such as these, and sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we find it difficult to accept them, truly and sincerely, and embrace them as our brothers and sisters in Christ. This is especially true of gay men, who in our language is called “bakla” - a contraction of the first syllable of the Filipino word for woman (“babae”) and the first syllable of the Filipino word for man (“lalaki”). This article would want us to understand more the dynamics of male homosexuality in the light of a relatively new counseling theory called reparative therapy. In doing so, it is hoped that we could be able to relate more in a Christian way towards these brothers of ours who are struggling with this condition.
Knock, knock… “bakla” who?
The “bakla”, from its very term, is often stereotyped in the Philippines in the core ideology of the idiom of the male body with a female heart (Nierras, 1994). Yet, studies suggest that homosexuality is found within a continuum of pure heterosexuality and pure homosexuality. Each individual male can be classified in seven (7) primary categories based on their sexual attractions: 1) purely heterosexual and no homosexual attractions, 2) predominantly heterosexual but with incidental homosexual attractions, 3) predominantly heterosexual but with more than incidental homosexual attractions, 4) equal heterosexual and homosexual attractions 5) predominantly homosexual but with more than incidental heterosexual attractions, 6) predominantly homosexual but with incidental heterosexual attractions, and 7) purely homosexual and no heterosexual attractions. Each category is by description self-explanatory, where those in category 4 are commonly called “bisexuals”.
Therefore, it is the sexual attraction that classifies a male individual to these varying degrees, and it is inaccurate (much like improper) to call a male person as “gay” merely because his actions or behaviors are “effeminate”. Moreover, people who may be classified with varying degrees of homosexual attractions could be properly called, not as “gay”, but as people with same-sex attractions (or SSA).
In the beginning, there was a… “bakla”
How does a person become gay? Research experts are continuously debating on whether is a product of nature (genetics) or nurture (culture and environment). However, reparative therapy associates the origin of homosexual attractions with the stagnation of one’s sexual identity – resulting to a gender identity disorder. It is caused by the failure to connect with the same sex parent.
How can the father (in the case of male homosexuals) fail to connect with their sons? On the onset of the child’s natal period (from 1 to 3 years old), he is pre-occupied with gender-related issues – which includes his growing curiosity of his genitalia, and his search for a male figure. The father, who is the primary source of male figure in this stage of development, may lack in providing this role because of five (5) probable causes: 1) physically absent (e.g. father works abroad), 2) hostile presence (e.g. father beats the child), 3) emotionally detached (e.g. father indifferent), 4) weak presence (e.g. father weak over domineering mother) or 5) overprotective (e.g. father refrains child from taking risky moves).
What happens to a child that develops a gender identity disorder? He begins to develop his personality in a way that is lacking masculinity. The child becomes aware that he falls short of the expectations of the people around him, who expect him to be “brusko”, “matapang”, “hindi iyakin” and other related “machismo” characteristics. He develops low self-esteem, which is further aggravated by gender emptiness when he joins his peers at play. He sees a different character from himself with the boys of his age, and as soon as his peers notice that he is not sporty, “lampa”, and effeminate in his behaviors, they begin teasing him as “bakla”. The child builds his defenses, and isolates himself from his peers in order to prevent himself from being hurt by them – called a defensive detachment. He begins to view himself as “different” from the boys. He then develops what is called a mythified masculinity – his concept of a male person outside of himself. As he continues to grow up, at a time when kids develop “idols” of their own – mostly in sports or in the entertainment fields, this mythified masculinity is transformed into gender attraction to male persons of whom they could identify the masculine aspects which are lacking in their own character – be it a flawless skin tone, a handsome face, a well-built body etc. As they grow into their puberty, children encounter their secondary gender characteristics, among these is the rise of the libido. The gender attraction then becomes sexual attraction towards the same sex. Due to media exposure and peer pressures from people with the same sexual inclinations (much is to be said about this of individuals who experienced being sexually molested in their formative and/or puberty years), the young person then goes through sexual reinforcement, which eventually leads him to a conclusion that he is a homosexual person – forming his sexual identity. Thus is born the person with SSA.
“The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2358)
If only “gay” persons would read this part of the catechism, they would be elated, knowing that the Church whom they perceive to be despising them, is in fact, respecting them and is concerned with their well-being. Sadly, members of this same Church is not respecting enough, not compassionate enough, not sensitive enough to the unique struggles that homosexual persons encounter. A largely patriarchal society is no place for any “non-male”, and this spells a lot for the negative impressions society has instilled in our minds regarding homosexuals. Seen as either the modern residents of Sodom and Gomorrah or the official carriers of the deadly HIV-AIDS virus, or seen as both – renders the homosexual person helpless against the attacks of moralists or health-conscious individuals or organizations. If only we could understand what these individuals need.
To be gay… or not to be gay…
Earlier on we classified persons with SSA according to the intensity of their homosexual attraction. They could also be classified in other ways. One is in terms of their behavior – a person may either be 1) overt – openly admitting his same-sex attractions and/or his same-sex practices, or 2) covert – “closeted” denying or maintaining the privacy of his same-sex attractions and/or his same-sex practices. Another classification may be in terms of their lifestyle – they could either be gay, non-gay or ex-gay.
1. Gay – persons with SSA that practices the homosexual life, with its activities and relationships
a. promiscuous – gay persons that practices casual anonymous sexual encounters, or multiple partners
b. monogamous – gay persons that are into one-on-one relationship with the same-sex partner
2. Non-gay – persons with SSA that predominantly adapts a heterosexual lifestyle. These are the common strategies these individuals use to counter or cope with the feelings of SSA.
a. white knuckle celibacy – simply controlling one’s feelings in every situation (repression)
b. denial of attraction – avoids acknowledging his same-sex attractions (denial)
c. divert attention – either making oneself busy (at times with “manly” activities like sport) or try to refocus on one’s attraction to the opposite sex (sublimation)
d. isolation – tends to remove oneself from people to avoid getting hurt (moving away)
e. prayer – when used only by itself without directly involving oneself, it may just be like white knuckle celibacy
3. Ex-gay – persons formerly with SSA that have decided to leave homosexual practices completely and most of the time, build their own heterosexual families
All we need is love…
A person with SSA has a unique need that was not addressed during his formative years. Reparative therapy calls this homo-emotional need – the need to be cared, to be loved, to be secure with persons of the same sex. This means that the same-sex attractions and desires of people with SSA stems from their emotional needs from same-sex persons. This explains why no matter how sexually active the homosexual person is, he still feels empty and unfulfilled, always seeking for more “adventures” and sexual escapades with persons of the same sex. This is because only the symptom (same-sex sexual attraction) is being satisfied and not the core of the individual’s need. It may be analogous to giving oneself aspirin in order to bring down fever, when in fact the fever is just a symptom of the real problem like flu, and that the fever may actually be helping the body in expelling the virus causing the flu by changing body heat.
This does not say we should leave same-sex sexual attraction as it is, but that we should be looking deeper into the core of the homosexual problem, rather than focusing on removing its symptoms. Focusing on the sexual attraction alone is similar to advising a homosexual who has left the gay lifestyle to “move on” and get himself a wife – this does not solve the problem, since both the same-sex sexual attraction and the cause of this (unsatisfied homo-emotional needs) still exist, rather it complicates the problem and unfairly involves another person (the prospective wife) into the problem faced by the homosexual. The counselor or any person caring for the homosexual should at first look at the signs of his homo-emotional needs.
Certain manifestations can be seen with the person having homo-emotional needs – 1) limited same sex peers and close relations, 2) limited ability to bond with same-sex peers, 3) social anxiety (signs of neurotic or paranoid behaviors in dealing with people), 4) low self-concept (especially of body features).
Realizing these manifestations, we should then focus our attention to the best psychological treatment: affirmation! Every person needs to be affirmed – that they’re doing ok, that they are positively appreciated, that what they are doing is contributing to the common good and that they themselves are good. In particular for homosexuals, they must receive these affirmations from people of their same-sex, to complement for the lack of affirmation they had with same-sex parent or with same-sex peers during their childhood. Heterosexual persons should learn to develop chaste friendships with homosexuals of the same-sex.
“Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2359)
Being a male doesn’t have to mean one should get a wife. This is the principle given in the Catechism which perfectly understands that homosexuality cannot be “cured” by the “right woman”. Addressing the problem of homosexuality is not as simple as negating the homosexual attraction to make the person heterosexual – it is far too complicated than that.
In fact, the Catechism says if one is homosexual, he must strive at a life of chastity, practicing self-mastery that teach inner freedom from this intrinsic disorder. The homosexual must first learn how to deal with himself – with his lustful desires and emotional dependency on persons of the same sex, before he could deal with others – particularly romantic relationships with women.
The Catechism then teaches the value of support from disinterested friendships, and of prayer and the sacraments. Homosexuality is a cross to an individual, and as Christ did, he must first accept this cross in order for healing to begin. In embracing this cross, he is to embrace the two pieces of the cross – the vertical beam representing his relationship with God (healed by prayers and life of the sacraments), and the horizontal beam representing his relationship with others (healed by chaste and disinterested friendships).
The man inside longing for a man
Gay people would often say “I am incomplete without a man”. This statement is psychologically correct, for same-sex sexual attraction is actually rooted in the homosexual’s homo-emotional needs – to be affirmed, to be loved, to be secured among persons with the same sex. In this regard, the heterosexual males have a big part to play in the healing process of the homosexual.
In reparative therapy, a good principle can be applied – the more you know the person, the less the attraction becomes. More often the homosexual, when faced with same-sex attractions especially with known to be heterosexual males, tends to shy away or find ways to avoid or ignore what they see as a “confrontation” between them and the heterosexual male. Afraid of rejection, he wallows into his nutshell of loneliness and finds his sexual attraction to more and more intense – that he succumbs to it either by himself or engaging with another male. Avoiding the “confrontation” does not solve the problem.
However, if the homosexual person does find himself attracted with a heterosexual male, approaches and be-friend him, he will find that, as his friendship with this heterosexual male grows stronger, his sexual attraction to this person diminishes. This is because of the dynamics of affirmation by a person of the same-sex being satisfied by the chaste friendship developed. The friendship with a heterosexual male met the homosexual’s homo-emotional need. Whether or not the heterosexual person knows the struggles being faced by the homosexual person (that he “comes out” to the heterosexual person) will determine the level of confidence the homosexual person has over the friendship of affirmation that is being developed. If “coming out” is inevitable, the heterosexual person must be ready to accept the homosexual condition of the person and must be willing to cooperate in his healing process.
Certain stages of manifestation can be seen in successful heterosexual-homosexual chaste friendships. First, the homosexual’s sexual attraction towards the heterosexual person will gradually diminish but the emotional bonding with him will stay. Then, the homosexual would feel that his attraction to other males is gradually diminishing. Then, the homosexual would find himself attracted to members of the opposite sex. These stages are not to be expected to happen in an instant, in a week’s time or in a month’s time – these transformations will take place after years of heterosexual chaste friendships.
Gay friendships obviously would not create this environment – for it opposes the gay lifestyle that it wants to promote. Celibate friendships with homosexuals are a bit risky due to the nature of the attraction being felt by both parties. Friendships with not sexually attractive heterosexuals (note that sexual attraction differs from person to person) may help to certain extent, yet friendships with heterosexuals who are sexually attractive (for the homosexual) would be the most productive, for the attraction normally lies beneath the “mythified male” of the homosexual, bringing with it all the body and personality envy that a homosexual person has for male figures. As these friendships go deeper and reach higher planes of relations, the homosexual finds himself imbibing the personality, at times the physique, and particularly the attraction of the heterosexual male towards the opposite sex.
Understanding the dynamics of the male homosexual is indeed challenging. Let us just hope that people welcome these ideas in reparative therapy, and support the endeavors that this particular special group of people has to address. With growing exposure and approval of media on gay lifestyles, may we remain steadfast to the Truth.
SOURCES:
Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuals by Joseph Nicolosi
The Homosexual Person by Fr. John Harvey
Talk on Reparative Drive August 22, 2004 by Bro. Joe Garcia, COURAGE Phils.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church
